October 17, 2013 by nooffensebut
Did you hear about what went down last week?
It was reported that a 20-year-old man was charged with indecent exposure after displaying his “glistening white buttocks” to another man in a Northgate Mall restroom. The exposure was reportedly preceded by an inquiry about sexual orientation and a request for oral sex, which was denied.
I can’t help but think there are better ways to get a date.
Having never spent much time in men’s restrooms, I can’t say whether this is standard procedure, but I’m going to guess it is not. It seems pretty wrong to me.
I’m going to compare it to men who try to grind with strange women (my friend calls it “groin hopping”) in dance clubs. Don’t do that. It’s offensive.
Likewise, gentlemen, most other men are probably not looking for a casual romp in the mall washroom. If you are, no judgment, but ask first. And, if you can, at least try for a little finesse. Perhaps humor?
Really. “Want to [service] me? No? OK, here’s my bum.” That’s just not a good pickup line. In fact, it’s one of the worst I’ve ever heard. And I’m including the young man who once queried, with a straight face, “Is your father a juice maker, because you are very fine.” Terrible. Of course, most are. Personally, I’m a big fan of “Hi, how are you?” accompanied by a nonperverted compliment.
In honor of the occasion, I invited friends and readers/Twitter followers to share some of the more memorable pickup lines they’ve heard or offered. Highlights included:
- “We are the two tallest people here!”
- “Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?”
- “Do you shop at Kohl’s?”
- “You have the second prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen.”
- “Do you speak English?”
- “Your second toe is longer than your big toe. That means you’re a good lover.”
- “Can I buy you a drink?” And after the woman said yes: “No, I mean in Paris.”
- “I would swim the sea for you.”
- “What would it take to make you purr?”
All the contributions, by the way, came from friends of mine. Readers, you need to step up. I want to know about more Chattanooga-style pickup lines. You know, other than “What church do you go to?”
Oh, and preferably ones that don’t end up with someone in handcuffs.
Originally published May 27, 2011 in the Chattanooga Times Free Press
A reader response:
“If you had your entire life to live over gain, would you be here tonight?”
If you are unimpressed with this overture a suggested put down is:
“Yes — until about 15 seconds ago.”