Love at the movies (and in the tabloids)

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October 7, 2013 by nooffensebut

You guys … Tom and Katie broke up. 

I am shocked. Shocked.

… OK, I’m actually not surprised at all. There was something kind of creepy about that relationship from the get-go, wasn’t there?

Anyway, super-reliable websites like TMZ are reporting that Tom’s infatuation with Scientology might have had something to do with the split. 

Anyway, just letting you all know that this very important issue has not slipped my mind. You can all rest easy. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in between CNN screwing up the results of the Supreme Court’s ruling on health care reform and Katie filing divorce papers, I read a story about some website selling anti-cheating wedding rings.

No, I’m not kidding. These rings actually imprint the words “I’m Married” on the wearer’s finger, so that taking them off and stepping out is not a viable option. 

Honestly, if you need to brand your spouse to keep him from being tempted to cheat, don’t you think you ought to think twice before marrying him? Ladies, this falls under the heading of Dumber Than a Box of Hair. 

By the way, I say “ladies” because it seems these rings are only made in men’s sizes. 

All right, gents, let’s hear that righteous indignation. This is a safe place. Let it out. 

Anyway, while you’re all getting in touch with your feelings, allow me to extend a wish that everyone fared all right in the heat over the weekend, with particular sympathy to my friends in the mid-Atlantic states who lost power. 

I opted to spend some time at the cinema this weekend to avoid going stir crazy from cabin fever (when you look like Casper the Friendly Ghost’s mother, you don’t spend a lot of time outside in 100-plus degree weather, unless you want to look like Mrs. Killer Tomato). 

On Saturday, I went to see “Moonrise Kingdom,” which was weird and excellent, and “Ted,” which teaches us that the only way you can get away with having a politically incorrect, vulgar talking teddy bear as a best friend is if you look like Mark Wahlberg. 

Sunday, I saw “People Like Us” with a friend. There was a fun little incident where the film started and all of a sudden, Matthew McConaughey’s black leather clad rear was filling the screen. The person who used to be called the projectionist and is now, what, the guy who clicks on the iTunes file, accidentally put on “Magic Mike” instead. 

Suffice to say, there were ladies present who were not pleased by the mistake, especially when two partially nude females were shown within the first 45 seconds. And, of course, there was a college-aged male who made sure everyone in the audience knew he had not intended to see this particular film upon viewing a close-up of Channing Tatum’s backside. 

Eventually, the mistake was fixed and the correct film was put on. 

In “People Like Us,” a movie about a man who learns upon his father’s death that he has a half-sister and nephew, features some pretty sexy chemistry between actors Elizabeth Banks and Chris Pine. Unfortunately, Banks and Pine were cast in the roles of the aforementioned half-siblings. 

The moral of “People Like Us” is that if you find out you are someone’s long lost brother, you should tell her before she tries to kiss you.

Whoever said you can’t learn anything from the movies?


Originally published July 6, 2012 in the Chattanooga Times Free Press

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